she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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