drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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