I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
