My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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