That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
