Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
