Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
