apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
