Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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