please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
