I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
