mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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