I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
