i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
