Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize