I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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