Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
