i barfeds in our rink
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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