At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish you could order shots online.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
