On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
