girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
