Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Semen is not good for contacts.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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