Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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