i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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