This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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