I could have mohawked her pubes.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
