My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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