Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
