Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
