i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
