Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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