do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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