It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
