Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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