Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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