Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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