Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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