I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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