I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I won the penis lottery.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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