His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
