what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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