Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
