Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think my moral compass just broke
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
