I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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