It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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