put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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