you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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