i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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