I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize