and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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