As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
