You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize