i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize