so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
