grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You have to summon your inner elephant
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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