i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
