I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
