I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
