he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
