cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Panties = found
Randomize
