It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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