oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
