I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
