I cannot find my penis.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
